Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lying about 9/11.
I’m drunk on the beach pretending to be Azealia Banks.
- Tin: So, we need a fifth. I'm Plex, the yellow robot. Julia, is Foofa the pink thing with the flower head. Joan, is the Toodee, the cute blue monster. Bex is Brobee, the green thing with the unibrow.
- Bry: Okay, so who am I?
- Tin: Muno.
- Bry: Which one is that?
- Tin: ...the Bumpy Penis
- Bry: I'd rather be DJ Lance.
It is totally normal that I’m watching The Princess and the Frog, drinking wine and crying.
I just have a lot feelings.
I can always tell when a series suffered from the Writer’s Strike of 07/08. I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy, season 4 and this first episode, totally gave it away. It has even been 10 minutes yet.
Now I can’t even by Dove anymore. I use the soap, deodorant. Fuck.
I remember going to see the midnight premiere of Twilight: New Moon, my sophomore year of college. Now, I went with three other 19 year olds and I shit you not when I say we were the only adults not in attendance with 11-13 year old girls daughters. We were so out of place.
I kept snickering throughout the movie because it was ridiculously stupid. I got a few mothers to snicker with me, but I got shushed by the daughters. This one little girl in front of me, turned all the way around, shot me a death stare, and said “Seriously?”
I erupted into laughter.
The conversation started with one question: “Bry, what’s going on with you and Louis?”
Apparently, I have been the topic of conversation and constantly on this kid’s mind since he laid eyes on me on Saturday. I find this absoultely hysterical because we didn’t speak or interact all day.
This is what was told to me:
“He came in my room and was like, ‘No seriously, Gi. You gotta hook me up with her. You know I don’t even like Black girls like that, but there is just something about her. I would leave my girl for her. I could change her life.’”
Now, please keep in mind, this is the same guy I met at my friend’s son’s 1st birthday party. He was there with his son, and the first thing he said to me is “How tall are you?” The last thing he said to me was, “I think you’re cute as fuck.”
Well here’s what I learned about him:
• 28 years old
• has 6 year old out in texas
• has a 2 year old
• has a baby on the way
• has 2 baby momma’s
• has a girlfriend, for a year
• the girlfriend for a year isn’t pregnant
• so the girl that he has a two year old with is pregnant again, thus he cheated on the girlfriend he’s been with for a year.
• he used to be addicted to cocaine
Of all of this bullshit, you know what the deal breaker was?
“I don’t even like Black girls like that.”
But he’s fucking Black too! I hate that shit. Fuck you, bitch. He’s a fuckin twatty ass bitch. Change my life? You mean fuck it up? The everlasting nerve.
• having a long island ice tea
• +3 jagerbombs
• +redbull & vodka
• +grateful dead
• being hit on by some guy who came up to my chin
• listening to Mercy and slurring Swirv obnoxiously loud
• him telling me he was worried about me
• him requesting some ‘pix’
• leaving the bar to pick my friend’s boo up.
• my friend peeing beside the car.
• driving two blocks with the back door wide open and not noticing
• joining my friend to pee beside the car 15 mins later
• banging my face on a side view mirror
• getting hollaed at by some dude named Meezy (aka Omar)
• making a “The Wire” reference
• telling him he couldn’t have my number because he didn’t watch The Wire
• ordering $9 worth of food at McDonalds
• stumbling up the driveway
• being greeted by my 9 year old cousin at the door (she stayed up to make sure I got home safe)
• I gave her my apple pie
• regretted that two seconds later
• decided, YOLO and left possibly the longest drunken voicemail about NOTHING
• I got a call from this other thirsty ass dude
• fucked that $9 worth of McDonalds UP
• remembering to set my alarm for the am because I had to get up for court
so I decided I would text him and tell him so.
He asked for naked pix.
I said I might.
I lied. And I got me a keeper hahahaahhahah hahahahahah